Surviving Women’s Imaginary Things

bird flu1A fellow (not male) blogger took a light-hearted approach to her surviving her husband’s “man flu“.  Us guys took it on our bearded chins from the ladies.

Lies.  All lies, I say!

Blasphemy that us men would whimper and keel over from the invasion of tiny buggers we can’t even see with a microscope.

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Well, guys, its our turn.  We must defend our manliness.  Light-heartedly, of course.

The other night, I survived another commute home with against hordes of women drivers.

Barely survived.

Actually, it was a wonder I made it home unscathed and not get hit by the invisible things only women drivers can see.

They are gifted.

Us men can only see real things.

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It is not easy “sharing” the road with women drivers when they have a different perceptions of “lanes”, “sharing”…and things only THEY can see.  Invisible things that apparently take up a LOT of space.  Thank goodness they can see them or I would run into these invisible things.

And women’s maligned beliefs they had to suffer the consequences of the man-flu…  Dastardly.  If anything, a man-flu lasts but a week.

Commuting with against females and their invisible things (only visible to them) is five days a week, 50 weeks a year for us hard-working men.

And I thought about the man-flu smack down when I came to this (long) stop light.

I got my trusty new smartphone and managed to snap a picture for evidence (unlike the man-flu blog which had NO evidence)… but of course, none of the HUGE  invisible things only WOMEN can see showed up in the picture.

Invisible Car

(Trust me.  The two vehicles in front of me have female drivers.)

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Here is a schematic of the picture.  By some miracle, it is as UN-females see it:

A schematic of the photograph - which for some reason coincides with a man's view.
A schematic of the photograph – which for some reason coincides with a man’s view.

Notice where in the lane the female driver of the world’s tiniest car has decided to stop at this intersection.  There was obviously a couple of those invisible things that only WOMEN can see…on both sides of her.  If you can catch the Man Flu, you probably can’t see these invisible things.  She is so blessed, isn’t she?

(This was during rush hour.  At a long signal.  With other drivers behind us.  Forming two distinct lines…except for the two cars in front of me.)

Also trust me when I say the perspective of this photo hastily snapped with my smartphone is as deceiving as is the ladies’ perception of the effects of the man-flu.  There is LOTS of space on either side of car #1.

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Which brings us to the second car immediately in front of me.  There is enough space between car #1 and this one that the front offensive line for the Ravens could do their stretching exercises.

Well, she also stopped her car skewed to the right of center…  You can see the reflection of my curbside headlamp on her LEFT tail lamp.  Imagine that.

…and she is not trying to make a right turn…  Here, at least.

She made the turn at the NEXT stop light beyond the freeway overpass.

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Well, gents, a lady friend viewed the photograph at my humble request…  and with her special vision, she pointed out the invisible things to me.  How blessed are women!

THIS is what they can see with their magic vision!

THIS is what women drivers can see with their gift of paranormal eyesight!
THIS is what women drivers can see with their gift of paranormal eyesight!
OK, guys…  How many of you want this special vision that only women possess??!
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woman-driver-part

34 thoughts on “Surviving Women’s Imaginary Things”

  1. Ha! You got me! Gosh, I didn’t think you’d come back swinging. 🙂 But you’re right, women do tend to ‘see’ things on the road that aren’t REALLY there. Still, I’d like to think we’re decent drivers. As for the photo of the ‘his’ and ‘her’ garage, might I suggest it’s actually backwards? As in the man, probably crashed the car from his stuffy head and uncontrollable body aches . . .

    1. Bwahaha! But another true story…about a garage and a woman driver. A certain female – while backing out of the garage as she had done so many times before – snagged the garage spring with her driver’s side rear view mirror… Just as I tried to yell stop, too late. ZING! The spring ripped off the rear view mirror. It was hurled forward so fast (like an arrow leaving a bow), it dented the garage drywall twenty feet in front of her.

      1. I’ve never done anything like that…uhhh except when I ripped the back window off the truck topper by leaving it open before backing out of the garage. My husband was on hand to witness the carnage, and he had the look on his face you must have had, his lips forming the word “no!!!” which of course I didn’t hear… but otherwise I am a pretty good driver.

  2. Koji I would not argue with you. You are correct. Some women are horrible drivers. Conceded. But I will say, some men are big babies when they get sick.

    Though I agree with your somewhat biased and fuming stance, I do question your “proof”. I don’t question that you say these cars have female drivers. I take your word for that. HOwever, the picture offered up, is not proof.

    BUt…….considering how much effort you have put in to this post with humor, diagrams to make sure we understand I say you win all points by default!

    🙂

    1. Some men are big babies when they get sick? Pffft! LOL

      OK… I agree the picture offered up is not proof only because it was not a female smartphone. It was a male smartphone. As such, the invisible things were not photographable. Is that a word?

      But I do grovel at your feet for the insolence I displayed and beg for forgiveness, my Queen (but only to make you feel good). 😉

  3. Though I’m a good sport and can take a sharp stick in the eye, I must protest. I have a Class B license with an Motorcycle endorsement, so I’m not buying it. Ironically, though, I must tell you this – I don’t see anything! HA!

  4. Ah, bad drivers. As a graduate of several driving schools (courtesy of State and military schools) the hair on my neck rises when I see an old blue haired woman dwarfed behind the wheel! And nowadays with cellphones . . . (shudder!). It’s gotten worse than ever before.

    They say women are “social creatures” and I believe it. 9 out of 10 drivers on a cell phone seem to be women – eyes glazed and only half paying attention to anything beyond their wheel. Especially if they’ve got kids in the car, or (again) are that old woman.

    It takes a brave man to get behind the wheel. I’ve taken to heart the advice of driving instructors: “Drive THRU the accident . . .”. You might miss them if you try (gunning it out of it). I could give lessons, LOL. I’ve been in over 18 wrecks (that’s where I stopped counting). Not that I was driving in most – I just have a knack for picking bad drivers to ride with. What can I say but keep your seat belt on, and your senses and wits about you – because so many drivers don’t have any. . .

    BTW, most accidents are caused by inattention. And I’m serious about that seat belt thing, It kept me from being serious injured a few times. Don’t move til everyone’s belted in, and don’t take no as an answer. Keep that stopping distance and always give yourself room to stop. Be safe and *tolerant*. Remember: it’s those idiots driving a car. You’ll be fine. (I used to get out and ‘party’ during a traffic jam on the I-20 – you’d be amazed how once someone gets out, the rest of the hot and trapped drivers will get out as well, LOL! I was a leader sometimes, (wide grin). Oo-rah.

    And then there’s this: in about 20 to 50 years, self-driving cars may be so common we won’t have to worry about anyone behind a wheel – man, woman, or child.

      1. I don’t know – things move fast nowadays! And if I make it to “old man” I won’t mind the things, though I wonder if you’ll need a license to ‘voice command’ one. And I think that the need (not to mention desire) to DRIVE a car, totally under your command, will be around a lot longer – though it may, like any “risky endeavor” may be eventually regulated to sporting events, government enforcement agencies, and off-roading – at least for a while.

      2. Yeah…I mean, take a freakin’ bus and leave the skilled driving to the rest of us…why not save thousands of bucks on upkeep, gas, insurance, and registration? That bus is a hands-free, culturally diverse, mostly safe social experience. I highly recommend it for anyone who spends a lot of their day staring downward into their palms…

  5. Cute story…but I must comment…my “PARKED” car has been hit by 4 different men…one time my boss as he left work, second time while I was shopping with our youth group to buy Christmas presents for a local family in need, by a guy in a truck too big for him to drive, he got my driver door as he tried to park, third one about a yr later almost to the day as the second one as I was in a drugstore – guess he could not see my car in front of him as he tried to park in my spot and rear-ended me and the last time in front of my house and took my side mirror…mmmm women see things men obviously do not see!! The funny thing three out of the free had the same insurance company!! All 4 times I was not even in the car. Men drivers!!! 😉

    1. Mr. Roach! Are you staying warm and safe out on the road? I hear its pretty nasty… I am glad you enjoyed the little bit of humor. Were you able to read the “Man Flu” story?! 🙂

  6. Tsk tsk. My MAN, the one with the ‘man-eyes’ who can’t see what’s important, especially beside or in close range, frontwardly….didn’t have our brand-spankin’ new Chrysler 300 in his possession even 2 HOURS before he baptized the driver-side door with a 6-inch ‘initiation tattoo’ ( major swipe scratching paint to the bone, and dent)… backing the Dodge pickup out of the garage.

    Ahhh, but the Lincoln sustained his peripheral vision’s underestimation of bumper distance required in the doctor’s ‘dark’ parking lot…rubbing cozy with the SUV’s rubber bumpers…in fact, the truck has several bumper scuffs and little battle scars from the great man-vision acuity he possesses. Every now and then I go out with the cloth and the scuff remover and buff out what can be buffed…meh…what can ya do? LMAO! And to think he was concerned about key attacks from folks who didn’t share his opinion of Obummer…hah! After the second term election I finally took down the obummer-bumpersticker realizing we had no more hope for change…and thus I allayed his keystrike fears, once and for all…his man-vision should scare him plenty in the meantime.
    😛

  7. P.S. I still get emotional just thinking about the time he plowed over my purse and briefcase just before I was about to get off to work one awful morning, but that’s a good story to tell sometime when I’ve had a little too much Chardonnay…

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